Freshman Panicked at Not Having Found Love of His Life Within First Month of School

Freshman Nick Linscott was recently overcome with a wave of panic upon realizing he had not met the love of his life within the first month of school. On this development, Linscott stated, “I just want love – lifelong, fulfilling, forever love – and I’m not willing to wait more than three weeks to find it.”

“No one here is the Juliet to my Romeo,” said the unimaginative freshman. Crying into a large bowl of low-fat ice cream, he continued, “If I haven’t found the love of my life within the first month of brief, surface-level interactions with a small fraction of over 5000 complete strangers, then I never will.”

Linscott began showing indications that he had accepted his lonely fate. “I just have to accept that someone won’t be there to hold me during my crippling bouts of insecurity. Maybe I was meant for a life of collecting cats and appearing on an episode of Hoarders and contemplatively staring out bus windows at adoption agencies.”

At press time, Linscott was seen channeling his despair into woebegone IFP poetry, reportedly titled “RIP to Love Lost: Love That Was Never Found.” On this development, he said,  “If Adele can make it through the pain, then so can I.”

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