Joe Biden Prepares for Presidential Race by Running Time Trials

Vice president Joe Biden stood on his porch, stark naked, and screamed “I’M READY!” to the four unfortunate landscapers working his property on Monday. The country came to know about Biden’s decision to join the presidential race when the police report citing indecent exposure was leaked to the press.

When asked how he’s started preparing for the race, Biden explained, “Look, it’s a straightforward race. First to 270 wins it. I haven’t been told yet whether that’s in feet or yards, but I’m looking to prepare for every eventuality. I just have to be fitter, stronger, and faster. I’ve been running every morning, and I think I’m already approaching my old 1988 times.”

Biden feels he holds an edge over his strongest competitors. @JoeBiden tweeted, “@HillaryClinton‘s wearing heels, @BernieSanders is at least 102, and @realDonaldTrump’s Armanis aren’t touching that track. I’ve got this boys!-Joe”

The vice president has since informed the press that he will be running to the right of Clinton, since Sanders, to his understanding, seems to have hogged the left lane.

EDIT: Since the writing of this article, the Democratic National Committee has issued a statement:

The Democratic Party and all affiliates are not responsible for any physical or emotional harm that may arise from the Biden 2016 campaign. We appreciate your support and, should Hillary falter, we will appreciate your support even more.

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