1. THE SPORTS CLUB GUY

You’ve always thought of playing that sport, so you walked up to him. Immediately he was really up in your face, wanting to know your experience, were you on varsity, were you a state champion? He said he was a state champion. You asked him why he doesn’t play varsity. You left when he curled up in the fetal position and started blubbering “I’m a star, I’m a star.”

2. THE CULTURAL DANCE CLUB GIRL

You’re from Queens, your parents are from Hoboken, and your grandparents are from somewhere in the Midwest, but you got a crazy tan at the beach this summer and now this girl followed you around asking you where you’re from. You told her but she kept guessing with a knowing look and saying “no, where are you really from.” You signed up for her club just to get away.

3. THE GREEK LIFERS

You saw them lined up in a row and braced yourself for the gauntlet because you saw a table with candy on the other end of the gym. You tried to walk calmly but started going faster and faster as they trailed, shuffling, behind you, resplendent in their Greek-lettered, neon tanks, all chanting “jooooiiiinnnn uuuusssss, jjjjjooooooiiiiiinnnnn uuuuuuuusssssss.”

4. THE PRE-MED OPTIMIST

Her table had a lot of candy and free stuff so you stopped by and munched while this perky girl tried to convince you that Pre-Med students have clubs too and actually do fun extracurricular activities. You put your name down because your dad would want you to.

5. THE EQUESTRIAN CLUB MEMBER

You really think that they shouldn’t have allowed a horse into the gym.

6. THE NEWS-LETTER REPRESENTATIVE

He was wearing a newsboy cap and a tweed jacket and pants with high hems over buckled shoes. He smelled faintly of coal and self-righteousness. You avoided him entirely.

7. THE DESPERATE ONE

You’re not quite sure what club they were in but you felt really bad for them. They were sweating a lot and looked like they really needed to pee. Unfortunately you made eye contact and you put your name down once you notice no one else has signed up.

8. THE BLACK AND BLUE JAY GUY

You were just walking, about to give up hope of ever finding the right club, and suddenly, there he was in front of you. He seemed genuinely happy to see you, like an obedient puppy left outside the library. But a strong puppy. What gym does he go to because you want to go to that one. You wonder if he is soft. His hair smelled like courage. Was there an audible ‘ding’ when he smiled? He is the type of guy you don’t bring home to mother, because mom might want him all for herself. When he talked you felt safe. Instantly you got this feeling like he could laugh and the whole world would laugh with him. You put your name on his email list and now you’re refreshing your inbox every five seconds.