Hookups: 18, True Love:0; Still Holding Out for a Win

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After a record-breaking 18 consecutive hookups, junior Melanie Larson is still reportedly still going strong this season. With the belief that true love is “just around the corner”, Larson has announced that she will play on with a few new moves, and whole lot of self-loathing.

Larson’s publicist and roommate, Candy Chew, has issued the following statement on her client’s upcoming season:

Melanie Larson is a dedicated woman. Her record is unmatched, and her numbers, steadily growing. She understands that her partners are not looking for anything serious, and will continue to agree to those terms without any regard for her own anxiety, or her rapidly plummeting faith in men and the general concept of love. And if I’m being completely honest, any guy would be lucky to have her because she’s awesome and seriously was so nice when I broke my tailbone on the Breezeway. Goddess.

Many of Larson’s fans did not expect her to continue her streak after a slight pelvic fracture in August, the result of a minor gymnastics accident. Once she recovered from that, there was no stopping her; she is back on the horse for good.

Larson herself commented on her unprecedented number of tries at the serious, long-term relationship she desires:

“I have to say, I can’t take all the credit here. I would not have been able to achieve 18 unfeeling, vacant sexual encounters without my partners’ countless ‘early morning tomorrows,’ dogs at another house they had to go feed in the morning, roommates that needed to get back into the room so I had to leave, and girlfriends that would be getting back ‘any day now.’ For this, I thank you.”

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