Grilled Chicken – If you woke up this morning and said to yourself, “Damn, if only I could have a raw hunk of Satan’s asshole, I’d be happy,” then you my friend are in for a treat.
Plates and cups – Unless your plate is whiter than a private school fuckboy playing in the snow on a Saturday night, you can forget about getting any food. And that’s only if you can get a real plate, when in all likelihood you’ll be using one of the shitty compost ones they put out when the dishwasher breaks ONCE A FUCKING WEEK. Side note: no cups either. Liquid is for the weak.
Sandwich Station – Oh, your arms aren’t made of silly string so you can’t reach the onions in the back? That’s too bad, huh.
Bagels – Obviously no Jews are employed at the Fresh Food Cafe.
Omelets – Trading innocence away for a quick moment of pleasure is the epitome of college. This can be most easily seen in the exchange of delicious omelet for a three hour wait-time and acid literally spit into your face by the mean woman who works there (you know who you are).
From Around the World – This section varies week to week, sometimes serving delicious quesadillas, stir fry, shitty taco things, and that’s actually about the extent of the world travels. Sorry non-Spanish/non-Asian people, your ethnicities don’t have any thing of value to add.
Pizza – Obviously no greasy New Yorkers are employed at the Fresh Food Cafe.
Utensils – One thing the FFC always does well, they’re sure to have a large supply of the mighty spork for all to use. This wonderful combination of spoon and fork…oh…wait, those are just spoons? There are no forks at all? Not even the plastic ones? Well, how am I supposed to…oh.
Burgers – No burgers are actually available. The items you see before you are really coals from last night’s fire drenched in human sweat and inhuman (don’t ask) piss.
Eggs at Breakfast – When you order dildos from China, they actually come in boxes packed with yellow packing foam to keep the delicate electronics safe from water and physical damage. The eggs are this foam.
Frozen Yogurt – Thankfully even the FFC can’t fuck up frozen yogurt*
*(Spoiler Alert: They had to take it away – it gives you cancer)*