Impending Room Checks Cause Underclassmen to Decide Drugs and Alcohol Just Aren’t Worth It

With Spring Break on the horizon, impending room checks have made freshman Allyson Borscht decide that booze and drugs simply aren’t worth the risk. Stories of her conversion started circulating after finding huge piles of paraphernalia in the dumpster outside her building.

“I hit the motherlode,” said the anonymous worker who found her stash. “I’m talking a 30 foot beer bong, a couple of spoon pipes, and what I’m conservatively calling a pound of marijuana. We gonna party in the FFC tonight, baby.”

A visit to Borscht’s room shows the lengths she’s gone to overhaul her life. What was once a glittering shrine to Ke$ha, Miley, and more, is now something of a Buddhist’s wet dream. Said roommate Calista Riggans,

“I was worried when she tossed all the good shit out the window last week, but now it’s kinda nice. She used to come back cross-faded at 3 AM on weeknights, waking the entire floor up in the process. Now I fall asleep to the soft hue of candlelight and hummed chants from the Bhagavad Gita. Hindi is a such a soothing tongue.”

Borscht herself has declined to comment on the situation, citing a vow of silence to begin to help inculcate a greater sense of self-knowledge in hopes of achieving nirvana, an everlasting orgasm. Riggans, however, is less than optimistic,

“I’m still happy and all, but, one, I really don’t want to share a room with Allyson in an eternal O-face, and two, she tried vegetarianism once and lasted less than a week. I give this another day or two tops.”

UPDATE: Despite getting her room check waived for mental health reasons, Borscht has committed to spending the next year living atop a pillar on the breezeway like the Stylite monks of yore.

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