Student Emerging from D Level Sees Shadow, Predicts 6 More Weeks of Midterms

It’s only been a few days since Punxsutawney Paolo, Hopkins own test-forecasting-student, emerged from the lowest level of the library, and campus is abuzz with the news: 6 more weeks of midterms.

“I feel like Bill Murray in classic American film Groundhog Day,” said the student. “Bill Murray life seem better than this however. Less homework. Less fear.”

Paolo, an Italian exchange student, is uncertain how he came into his role as arbiter of the midterm schedule at JHU, but he’s reluctantly come to embrace his role. His emergence from D level this February 2nd was marked by a surprising fanfare, complete with camera crews, news anchors, analysts, and a group of professors and administrators responsible for scheduling the tests.

“It’s the hardest time of the year,” said an admin who chose to remain anonymous. “6 more weeks of midterms means a logistical clusterfuck of biblical proportions trying to get everything scheduled.”

As soon as Paolo saw his shadow, the admin and his cohorts were seen scampering off to hall, scribbling furiously in notebooks. Many students, upon hearing the unfortunate forecast of extended testing, instantly began exhibiting the 5 stages of grief. Said an onlooker,

“Some just couldn’t accept it. Others threw chairs. I saw a BME on his knees cursing and praying to God. A few people took it surprisingly well though. I know a film major who didn’t know we even had midterms anymore.”

Upon seeing the aftermath of his prediction, the naturally-shy Punxsutawney Paolo returned to the depths of MSE to get back to work. He was reported as saying “no speak English,” while hopping over the Brody turnstiles.

Stay tuned for Valentines Day, when Punxsutawney Patty will emerge from her cubicle on C-level to see if she still has a boyfriend.

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