1. Is Not a Snake

Snakes may seem fun and chill, but they will try to strangle you in your sleep, and, even worse, never clean the bathroom. They say it’s because they have no arms, but we know it’s because they’re lazy fucks.

2. Submissiveness

Who doesn’t have BDSM fantasies they want to try out on someone they’ll be living with for nine months? The dom/sub relationship is KEY to roommate bonding – think of how much fun you’ll have choosing (and screaming!) a safe word!

3. Refuses to Leave the Room Ever

Sexiling is overrated – sometimes you want an audience!

4. Fears You

Take a lesson from the great dictators of the world on this one – it certainly worked for Qaddafi, didn’t it?

5. 9 Months Pregnant

If your roommate is male, there should be a cheat code from The Sims that will accomplish this.

6. #eyebrowsonfleek

I was told this is a phrase that is relevant among millenials and it could potentially increase our web traffic. Click on some of our related articles, #thots!

7. Former Contortionist in Illegal Russian Torture Circus

Stating the obvious.

8. Opposes the Bourgeoisie

Because not everyone understands the struggle of growing up proletariat – you don’t want just a roommate, you want a comrade.

9. Cleanliness

Because the only stink in your bathroom should be the prison wine fermenting in your toilet!

10. Doesn’t Speak Japanese

Conducting international drug trafficking from your dorm room is tough enough already! And if your roommate recognizes that you’re in business with the yakuza – oh boy, say sayonara to your ass! Well, probably your head. Because once you’ve exposed yourself, the enemy Chinese triads will find you and decapitate you.