Last Sunday Katy Perry surprised spectators worldwide with the unveiling of her gladiator warrior “Left Shark” during the Superbowl halftime show. Most were overwhelmed by Left Shark’s brutal inability to remember choreography or to look sober in general. Perry admits, “it’s a lure. Once your guard is down, that’s when he strikes.” The savage strategy appears to have worked. In the few days since the Superbowl, entire religious cults have grown around Left Shark, praising him as the true prophet or “real MVP.”

However, not everyone has fallen prey to Left Shark. Our very own Blue Jay Mascot has challenged Left Shark in a fight-to-the-death for the title of “Drunkest Blue Thing.” When asked whether the challenge was due to any insecurities or just a want to advertise Hopkins, Blue Jay replied, “[sound of dude trying to chirp and failing so hard]”

Surprisingly, Sean Connery has agreed to host the gauntlet, citing the fact that “There can be only one.” When interviewed Left Shark did not seem scared or sober, but was distracted by a very jealous Right Shark. Katy Perry has agreed to live-stream the cage match and allow public betting. The Blue Jay has been disallowed from using his legendary lacrosse stick in order to meet Left Shark’s handicap of being out of water.

At this time, the opening match will include a moose-mounted Ron Daniels and mech-suited Mike Bloomberg over which doormat will grace Gilman’s entrance. ​