Desperate Hopkins Students Accuse Bill Belichick, Tom Brady of Deflating Grades

After receiving grades that they felt were lower than they deserved, many Hopkins students have been suspicious that grade deflation may have been involved.  Students believe the people responsible for this academic dishonesty to be none other than New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick and quarterback Tom Brady.

Sophomore Rick Ellison told the Black and Blue Jay, “When I got my Physics test back, I knew that there was no way I could have done so poorly.  Then sure enough, when I double-checked, my grade was off by almost 2 PSI, Percentage per Square Incorrectness.”

ESPN reported the day after Ellison’s findings that 11 of the 12 students in Ellison’s section did worse than they expected.  Freshman Jenna Hawthorne said she say no possible way that Bill Belichick was unaware of what was going on.  “I mean, he has been the most detail oriented coach of our time.  His entire life is football.  Football, football, football.  He has his hand in every aspect of the game.  As such, how is it possible he had nothing to do with my bad physics test?  It just doesn’t add up.

Ellison also commented that he finds it hard to believe Tom Brady failed to notice Ellison’s grade dropping from an A to a C after one test.  “This guy, his entire livelihood is gripping and throwing a football.  He needs to know it inside and out.  For a guy like that, I don’t think there’s a chance he doesn’t notice when my grade drops two full letters overnight.”

Numerous students feel Brady contradicted himself when he said both, “I absolutely did not mess with your physics tests,” and, “Ok yeah I totally did.”

As of yesterday, security footage of a physics TA entering a bathroom while holding a giant “BELICHICK MADE ME DO IT” sign has been discovered.

While the investigation is ongoing, public attention has turned to the question, “why did the professor not allow the use of calculators when Pete Carroll could have just given the ball to Marshawn Lynch?”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s