Freshman CS Major Calls Himself a Hacker After Taking Intro to Java

Freshman Andrew Durgler has reportedly begun referring to himself as a “hacker” after taking Introductory Programming in Java, a 100-level introductory course required for all computer science majors. Durgler, whose programming accomplishments include an application that averages two numbers, a tic-tac-toe simulator, and a program that attempts to print the lyrics to “99 Bottles of Beer On the Wall” but counts upward, has also requested that he now be referred to by the hacker name “ColonelPanic420.”

Durgler’s hacking skills include programming his TI-83 calculator to print the word “boobs” repeatedly and typing really fast while maintaining at least sixty percent accuracy. Recent hacking achievements by Durgler include leaving the message “I’m gay” on his friend Jason Smithinghall’s Facebook account after Smithinghall left his computer open and unattended in MSE.

“Oh, man, you really hacked me there,” commented Smithinghall. “Also, I’m not gay, I swear, haha.”

Last weekend, Durgler successfully set up DC++ with the help of his friend and an extensive online guide; a move that he considers one of his greatest hacking feats to date.

“I’ve already downloaded, like, two movies and the first season of ‘Naruto.’” When questioned about future hacking goals, Durgler responded that his list included “installing Linux, being able to enhance a picture all ‘CSI’-style, and maybe even using a real torrent program like Limewire. The long term goal is to hack Twitter, Facebook, and then the world!”

Durgler, who still uses Windows XP, told interviewers that his idols include “real, hardcore hackers like Edward Snowden, Bradley Manning, and Angelina Jolie’s character from ‘Hackers.’ Oh, and the bad guy from ‘Skyfall.’ He hacked, like, everything.”

Durgler plans to continue his hacking education by taking Intermediate Programming in the spring.

“That’s when you get to do real hacking by working with hardcore languages like C!” said Durgler. “But what I’m really excited for are the classes where they teach you things like cracking passwords and getting past firewalls.”

When asked if he would take courses such as Modern Cryptology or Network Security, Durgler seemed puzzled as to how those classes would help.

“Those don’t sound like they have anything to do with hacking.”

To verify his hacking skills, the Black and Blue Jay requested code snippets from Durgler. As of press time, Durgler seems to have accidentally deleted all the files on his computer.

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