Early last Saturday, freshman Martin Hazelhoff was spotted in swimming trunks sitting on the beach. After close examination reporters determined he was attempting to build a sandcastle. When approached, Martin mumbled,

“This is the shittiest beach I’ve ever played on. It’s literally not fair. I thought my mummy said this place would be great and full of waves with knowledge or whatever. All I see is dirty green sand and low tide.”

Hazelhoff stated he studies geology with a special interest in “beach formation, appreciation, and decoration.” When asked why he was trying to build a sandcastle, Hazelhoff explained,

“It’s for a class called IFP, or Intro to Forming Pretty-Sandcastles-On-The-Beach. The professor told me to think of the most important thing in the world. I started asking about sandcastles and he said show me don’t tell me, so I’m pretty sure he knew what my project is. I’m scared my GPA will be affected by the shittiness of this sand though. Ugh.”

Hazelhoff has agreed to update reporters of his grade in order to help future sandcastle enthusiasts do well in IFP.​