Student Who Will One Day be Paid Millions of Dollars to Perform Life-Saving Brain Surgeries Currently Taking Fireball Shots

Reports indicate that Jonathan Derrel, a future world-renowned neurosurgeon who will be paid millions of dollars a year to perform life-saving operations, is currently about to “smack down” his seventh fireball shot. “Oh shit,” sources stated, “he’s going back for another. This man is a fucking beast.”

Roommate Anthony Petrelli, commenting on the “insanely massive” alcohol tolerance of the man who will one day be called in the middle of the night to save the life of a small boy with an aneurysm, was noted as saying, “Damn man, Johnny’s on fire tonight. Probably ‘cause of all the fireball hahaha. No but seriously, fireball shots are pretty typical for my man here. Tonight I’m impressed though, dude you should’ve seen it. This fucker, this motherfucker right here, this guy shotgunned like five beers earlier. And that was just in the pregame.”

Sources went on to say that Jonathan was not, indeed, currently weighing the pros and cons of dissecting more brain tissue from his patient, potentially causing permanent paralysis but also completely excising the tumor, like he will be in no less than fifteen years from now. Instead, sources reported that he was just seen heading upstairs to smoke “with some of his bros, and this really hot girl he’s been trying to get with all night.”

Coming back downstairs an hour later, Jonathan was noted as being “cross-faded as all-hell” and not at the top of his field and being considered for the Nobel Prize in Medicine for his innovative surgical practices, like he will be within the next five decades.

When reached for comment on the issue, Jonathan mumbled something about having one more shot before passing out on the downstairs couch, where his friends proceeded to draw dicks in sharpie on the future Time Magazine “Most Influential Person of 2062.”​

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