Stressbusters to Open Series of Totally Legitimate Massage Parlors

Hopkins Stressbusters, a formerly volunteer campus group that offered free backrubs around campus to ease stress, has come under scrutiny from Hopkins administrators due to their controversial decision to go commercial. The group, which has garnered much popularity among students for their gentle hands, announced recently that they would no longer give their service for free. “There are thousands of tense student bodies at Hopkins who just need some release,” said new president of Stressbusters Brock Longpole, “as a non-profit organization with no privacy we just can’t give the people what they need.”

Starting in October, Stressbusters will open three new locations on campus where they will offer an expanded range of massages. The locations – the Rec Center, Malone Hall, and D Level in the library – were chosen to give access across campus. When asked how his business would mesh with the stringent rules of silence in D Level, Longpole replied “the D Level is an exciting challenge for us, but it is necessary to relieve stress down there and I know our employees can be discreet. I guess my only concern is whether the costumers can keep quiet. About how much they love our massages, that is.”

Members of the Hopkins Administration have voiced their concern over the change, especially the idea of having a for-profit venture of this type housed on campus, as well as the shift in location to behind closed doors. “I am unsure about the changes Stressbusters has announced as well as about their change in leadership,” said Hopkins president Ron Daniels in a statement following the group’s announcement, “I will be sure to look deep and hard into this change myself.” When asked for comment later, Daniels rescinded his negative statement, adding “I talked with Longpole and I won’t lie, he really buttered me up. I had worries, but they’re all gone now; I really think Stressbusters, and the students at large, are in good hands.”


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