Pre-Med Student Distraught Over Lack of People Asking if He Is Pre-Med Just Because He Attends Hopkins

BALTIMORE–Unsettled by conversations he had with newly estranged family friends at a visit to his childhood home this past weekend, Hopkins sophomore Malcolm Practice has become increasingly alarmed by the fact that now, for a period of several days, nobody has assumed that he was pre-med.

“People used to ask me where I went to school and I’d say Hopkins. Then they’d ask, without fail, if I was pre-med, and I could always respond, ‘Certainly,’” complained Practice. “Sometimes they wouldn’t even bother asking if I was pre-med, and they’d jump to what med schools I got into.”

This is, apparently, a common conversation for many Hopkins students.

“This new lack of pre-med assumption is an anomaly not supported by my customary empirical findings,” added the sophomore.

Practice made a perfect score on the SAT and was the president of the Pre-Med society at his large public high school.  He knew he wanted to be a doctor after a childhood of rescuing frogs from his torturous brother.  For his entire life, he wore this on his sleeve.

Practice now literally wears it on his sleeve. He admitted pressing the issue by wearing off campus a set of surgical scrubs with a large Hopkins crest across the chest, only to have passersby audaciously ask what he was studying. He said that one individual actually asked him, “What, are you like an Econ major, dude? Why do you need the plastic pants for that?”

In an interview on Q Level, a somber Practice asked, “It’s like, does nobody care about us anymore?”

At press time, it was impossible to locate any non-pre-med students for questioning.

UPDATE: As of today, May 6, Practice did not make a perfect score on the MCAT.

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