Image courtesy of NY Post. 

Following a remarkably quiet performance at last night’s Republican debate, Donald Trump announced he will be taking an interim professorship in the Latin American studies department at Johns Hopkins. In an attempt to make amends with the Latino community, Donald Trump will be splitting his time between the campaign trail and the Homewood Campus.

Trump told his all-white crew of reporters, “I would first like to thank President Ron Daniels for allowing me to share with Hopkins my vast knowledge about Mexicans. Together, with the help of the seven civil engineers on campus, we can create the gilded barrier for our border I wet-dream about every night.”

Trump’s presence has quickly reached campus. The Beta Theta Pi brothers are wearing their hair like Trump and have even offered him a room during his stay. When asked for comments, Trump had to say, “I feel honored that a fraternity looks up to me and embodies my core principles: discriminating, generalizing facts about cultures, and preying on younger women.”

After catching wind of Trump’s decision to teach at a university, his fellow candidates are following suit, with Hillary Clinton reportedly returning to her alma mater to for seminar on IT and email servers, Chris Christie teaching traffic school in New Jersey, and Ted Cruz returning to his homeland of Canada to teach “Women’s rights: Let’s keep them pre-1920.”

Trump closed the press conference by referring to Mexicans as “perverts” before elaborating on his attraction to his daughter, Ivanka. Trump also hinted that should his interim professorship go successfully, he will reportedly sign on to teach a seminar under the department of Women and Gender Studies, or in his words, “the department of Bimbos and Queers.”

After a record-breaking 18 consecutive hookups, junior Melanie Larson is still reportedly still going strong this season. With the belief that true love is “just around the corner”, Larson has announced that she will play on with a few new moves, and whole lot of self-loathing.

Larson’s publicist and roommate, Candy Chew, has issued the following statement on her client’s upcoming season:

Melanie Larson is a dedicated woman. Her record is unmatched, and her numbers, steadily growing. She understands that her partners are not looking for anything serious, and will continue to agree to those terms without any regard for her own anxiety, or her rapidly plummeting faith in men and the general concept of love. And if I’m being completely honest, any guy would be lucky to have her because she’s awesome and seriously was so nice when I broke my tailbone on the Breezeway. Goddess.

Many of Larson’s fans did not expect her to continue her streak after a slight pelvic fracture in August, the result of a minor gymnastics accident. Once she recovered from that, there was no stopping her; she is back on the horse for good.

Larson herself commented on her unprecedented number of tries at the serious, long-term relationship she desires:

“I have to say, I can’t take all the credit here. I would not have been able to achieve 18 unfeeling, vacant sexual encounters without my partners’ countless ‘early morning tomorrows,’ dogs at another house they had to go feed in the morning, roommates that needed to get back into the room so I had to leave, and girlfriends that would be getting back ‘any day now.’ For this, I thank you.”