Senior Gift Committee Solicits Money, Organs

In a recent email sent out to all Johns Hopkins University students, the head of the senior gift committee made an exciting new announcement about a new option for the senior gift.

“The administration of Johns Hopkins completely understands that college can be an expensive investment, and that many students don’t have the available funds to make large monetary donations,” Jan Pederson, the head of the committee, wrote, “we know that sometimes tuition can cost an arm or a leg, so that’s why we at the senior gift committee are instead asking for a kidney or a spleen. With graduation quickly approaching, we hope to get the majority of the graduating seniors to participate in this tradition of giving,” she continued, “and since we’re not some soulless institution, we are now also accepting organs. Vital or non-vital.”

On why they decided to include this new option, Pederson explained, “Many people think of Johns Hopkins as being primarily dedicated to Graduate education, as our Medical School is world renowned. However, we are showing our commitment to the undergraduate students by harvesting the spare organs of said undergrads and selling them to the medical campus to continue the environment of academic and professional excellence.”

The committee also highlighted the exciting fact that undergraduate pre-med students would be getting great experience; “Many pre-med students here feel that they don’t get much hands-on education here at Hopkins, but what is more hands-on than having your kidney removed?”

“I’m not even pre-med” said Evan Klein, whose eyes were glimmering with almost rabid-like excitement, “I’m actually econ, but I thought this would be a great chance to see if I should switch my major!”

Another senior student, Tim Cruzan, decided to choose the new donation option and said, “Yeah, so after I signed up to donate, I figured I would get a follow up email with an appointment at the Medical Campus, but the next morning I woke up in an ice bath in my bathroom in the Varsity, and apparently I only have one kidney now.”

When asked to comment on his shockingly pale and sickly appearance, Tim laughed nervously and responded, “Yeah, but it’s Hopkins, so it must be safe, right?”

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