Your Horoscope: Unfortunate Sexual Experiences

Aries: finding out how old is too old

Taurus: farting during analingus

Gemini: blanket fort collapsing in the middle of sex

Cancer: getting road head during your driver’s test

Leo: learning your partner was cheating by catching a venereal disease

Virgo: spring break 2014 in Cabo

Libra: ombré pubic hair

Scorpio: your partner telling you “Your dad will never love you” pre-orgasm

Sagittarius: genitals smelling like chlorine after hot tub sex

Capricorn: one hand remaining motionless on partner’s boob for entirety of session

Aquarius: Adam Sandler movie and chill

Pisces: saving your virginity for Harry Styles

12-Piece Nugget/Diploma Combo Now Only $60,000

Come commencement in May, students and parents alike will be rejoicing in the ease of their financial burden—and Royal Farms can’t wait to celebrate with them! Now with every diploma handed out at the Royal Farms Arena this May comes a 12-piece nugget meal. This promotion is unique to Hopkins graduates.

“Normally, we offer a 6-piece with our promotions,” said Royal Farms representative Deborah Munch. “But 12 nuggets—that’s only $5,000 per nugget! Rounded down, that is.”

For those youngsters graduating early, HopKids meals will be provided with one of various toys inside such as business cards of potential contacts, souvenir pillboxes of Adderall, and yo-yos.