The Commons Purge

In light of the recent COVID cluster and Commons shutdowns, the Black and Blue Jay has been interviewing Commons survivors and surveying the scene. Last night, on the seventh floor, one of our intrepid reporters found a dog-chewed, soaked-in-beer lab journal with “Premed 4 lyfe” engraved in the cover. After reading its contents, our reporter has been shaking in the corner and hasn’t left for food, sleep, or water. The following are excerpts from this wild, wild ride.

After finding these disturbing entries and more, the Black and Blue Jay decided to file a police report and submit this lab journal as evidence. What the police found next was truly mind blowing. Video footage was obtained from a concerned Wolman resident who filmed [redacted] on her rampage. The footage is too graphic to show online so we will simply describe it.

[Redacted] was wearing shredded clothes doused in tide pod goo and a Joker mask that was clearly bought off Amazon. She was carrying a bag filled with face masks covered in blood and held a necklace made of J-cards. On the wall behind her was written in blood, “Fuck sigfigs.” This student is still on the loose and highly dangerous. If you have any information regarding her whereabouts, please contact campus security. She was last seen clawing at the doors of Brody around 4 am Tuesday.

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