The Black and Blue Jay was invited to a super secret private viewing of the Zoom dress rehearsal for this week’s Hoptoberfest finale — the live concert. Hoptoberfest organizers have been hyping up this mystery performer all week, so we were so excited for this once in a lifetime opportunity. We warmed up our popcorn, secured front row seats at our computers, and waited with bated breath. The performer’s screen lit up; we could see nothing but a shadow on a blank wall. We tried to guess who it could be, was it: Nick Jonas? Post Malone? Shawn Mendes? No, it was someone else, the magnificent, the amazing, the wonderful…. Cy Cyrus??

Yeah. We were just as confused as you are. But it was no joke. Cy Cyrus, Miley Cyrus’s fourth cousin twice removed was apparently the only act. He was a classic Justin Bieber knockoff, with blonde, shaggy hair, dumb tattoos, and a massively oversized plain white t-shirt.

His backdrop was clearly a Zoom background of a huge stage from Google Images. He was holding one of those ridiculously small karaoke microphones and gave the camera a cheeky grin. We thought maybe he wasn’t going to be so bad after all? Maybe he had some of Miley’s god-given talent? Wrong. 

The second Cy Cyrus opened his mouth, we heard a piercing noise and assumed Zoom was glitching. We were wrong once again… that was just his voice. His first song was The Climb by Miley Cyrus. As soon as he got to the chorus, he ripped off his blonde wig, revealing even more shaggy hair, except he was a brunette. 

The song was hard to get through, but we endured. His next horrendous Miley Cyrus cover was Party in the USA. After that horrific performance, we weren’t sure if we could ever listen to that anthem the same way again. Luckily, our ears were saved by an unlikely interruption. Halfway through the song, a middle-aged woman burst into the room. Could it be his agent? Could it be Miley?

“Mom! I’m in the middle of a performance!” Cy whined.

We stared at our screens in shock.

“Honey, I cut you up some apples!” His mom handed him a plate as he sighed. 

“Sorry, John Hopkins. Let’s get back to it!”

As Cy continued, we discreetly lowered our volume. The last song (thank God) was Wrecking Ball. We wondered if this guy even has his own music. Out of nowhere, Cy pulled out an inflatable exercise ball and tied it to a hook in his ceiling. He jumped on and started swinging a blow-up sledgehammer as he sang. Things were about to get interesting (finally).

Midway through the second chorus, we heard a loud crack, and it wasn’t his voice this time. All of a sudden, Cy Cyrus came crashing down like a wrecking ball, and with him, a piece of his ceiling. Our mouths were hanging wide open. We heard loud footsteps as his mom rushed into the room screaming “Are you ok!??? I’m calling 911!”

With that, the Zoom call abruptly ended, and we were left staring at each other in disbelief. Still a better performance than Echosmith.