Word on the street is that Kyle Kim, a sophomore mole cell major recently scored 2 percentage points above the average on the last physics II exam. Black and Blue Jay members pooled together all our savings, seven dollars, to bribe the bouncer outside Kyle’s McCoy dorm room for an exclusive with him. 

“I’m trying to stay humble,” Kyle says, “but it’s so hard when so many people look up to you the way people look up to me.” Kyle leans to the side and signs the p-set of a fangirling freshmen pre-med next to him. “I’m gifted,” he says and shrugs his broad, handsome shoulders. It’s enough to make our reporter swoon.

“I’ve always known that I was special. As a kid I would drop rocks and yell ‘GRAVITY.’ It’s so clear now that that was the beginning of my physics career. Also, my honorable mention in my seventh grade science fair for replicating Newton’s apple drop on my own head.”

So what’s next for Kyle? We asked and he said, “I’ve gotten a few offers from the Applied Physics Lab and an offer as a tenured physics professor at Hopkins, but right now, I’m just trying to keep my options open. I don’t want to tie myself down to teaching plebeians, nor do I want to neglect my forthcoming Nobel prize.”

We asked, “How do you respond to the accusations that you had the answer key beforehand?” Kyle furrowed his dark brow. It was clear we had gone too far. With a flick of the wrist he summoned his publicist, who escorted us out of the room. As the door closed and Kyle’s rugged face slipped from our reporter’s view, she yelled, “Have my babies!” To which the New York Times reporter waiting outside responded, “No, have mine!”