Hopkins student and total nobody Craig Samuels is stuck in Cancun this week despite begging his mother to go home over spring break. While he longs for the awkward comfort of his childhood bedroom and the school-break tradition of sitting inside the house for days on end, Craig is instead spending his week suffering through all-day beach parties, overpriced margaritas, and excessive amounts of protected sex.

The Black and Blue Jay caught up with Craig to interview him about his misfortune. “It’s not fair; all my friends are going home. I was really excited to be grilled by my mother about my dating status,” he said. “Also, I’m missing my dentist appointment!”

When asked why her son is spending Spring Break away from the family, Craig’s mother shrugged and said, “I’m really sorry that Craig couldn’t come home this year, but we were completely booked up by October and we can’t accept late reservations. We know all his friends who DID reserve their rooms in advance will be able to catch us up on his life.”

Mrs. Samuels runs the hottest two-story Spring Break cottage in all of Greenwich, Connecticut. Peter Buchanan, one of Craig’s friends who booked on time, said this about the Samuels’ residence: “The Samuels’ place has everything! Doilies, Arnold Palmer, old person smell, strict curfews–and their dad even makes occasional racist comments toward my girlfriend!”

Unfortunately, Craig also missed an important family moment while moping at a Girls Gone Wild Special Edition taping. “My only regret is that Craig won’t be able to be here for the death of his childhood dog, Buttons,” said Mrs. Samuels. “At least his friend Peter will there to stroke his fur and tell him he’s a good boy.”

As soon as school resumes, Craig plans on reserving a spot at home for the summer months. “Come May, I’ll be sitting in my parents’ living room at 3pm watching Wheel of Fortune in my pajamas like a real man,” he said. Until then, he will have to make do with the Tupperware of his mother’s chocolate chip cookies Peter plans on bringing back to campus. “I’m happy to bring Craig a little taste of home,” Peter told the Black and Blue Jay. “But to be honest, I’m probably going to eat most of them on the train.”