Flabbergasted, Johns Hopkins University Chair of Philosophy Professor Richard Bett held a press conference early Tuesday morning, listing the department’s plans for what to do with “their shitload of money.”  He provided the press, adding “this is just a first draft, because truly I’m as shocked as you all are,” the names and accomplishments of the faculty the department intends to hire with this likely cocaine-fueled donation by The Big Short character Bill Miller.

Kwame Anthony Appiah

The NYU ethicist not only adds the interesting and much needed voice of a Ghanaian, but even better he has a column in the New York Times!

Saul Kripke

The boy-wonder pioneer of modal logic, who now teaches at CUNY, is currently known to Hopkins students as one of the many old white men who dominate their professors’ excessive anecdotes.  But soon he will in fact be another of those old white analytic philosophers for which Hopkins is famous.

That grad student from bioethics

Although you thought you deserved at least a B+, she apparently thought otherwise.  Even Bett, when asked why he’s hiring the sardonic 28-year-old, he replied, “eh…she’s vegan?”

Tyler Burge

The UCLA philosopher’s promotion of anti-individualistic thought is a perfect homage to big business’ facilitation of anti-individualistic action.

Serge Audier

Professeur de Paris-IV (Sorbonne), il est un pionnier en philosophie morale et en pensée à propos de la théorie politique.  Aussi, il sera utile à pleurant le Humanities Center.

(Unfortunately the department refused to give a translation, saying, “just speak French damnit”)

Albert Camus

Sure, he would have opposed to his hiring and the very concept of formal education, as well as probably every other institution involved. Look this may be a shot in the dark or on a beach or something, BUT, as a pioneer of Absurdism, he’d question every authority figure and their mother, and what more could a relatively woke philosophy student want!

Socrates

Well yes his body is dead, but we’re hiring his soul, which as you all know “is eternal.”

Several other people you have never heard of

“They are philosophers after all”

Bett also commented that the department would invest seriously in its infrastructure, including cigarettes, free tea, and kombucha on tap for all its students and faculty.