Do you have a history degree and need a little extra cash? Have you made any big mistakes recently? Are you already out of dining dollars at this point in the semester? Are you a fertile vagina-bearer looking to be impregnated by a powerful Canadian presidential multi-billionaire who is trying to ensure the future of this university? (I’m looking at you, Kandi.)
If you’ve never heard of the Henrietta Lax scandal, Johns Hopkins Hospital has the perfect uterus-related study for you. Sign up today if you’re a pregnant woman who meets all the stipulations below…
Criteria to enter:
- There must be 18 doulas present when you give birth, one for every year we will track your child.
- During your pregnancy you must have literal and figurative hot boobs.
- You and your baby must be at least a solid 7, and if you have any doubt, trust me: you’re not.
- You must guarantee that the child will be ginger.
- The child must be delivered under a full moon, in a hot tub.
- Your baby cannot be born naked (that’s gross).
- Must not have eye herpes.
- Willing to insert clicker into uterus for prenatal testing (clicker must be provided).
- Hourly cavity searches.
- Placenta face mask; benefits include:
- You molt like a fucking snake.
- Baby soft skin.
- I’m not kidding you molt like every hour.
- Researchers will make an award winning film documenting your child going through ~ boyhood ~.
- Lots of shaking.
- Your child must take the MCAT every year and earn a satisfactory score. If they don’t score 520 by age 15, they will be forcibly put up for adoption.
- In the case of divorce or an absentee parent, the child will be punished by being told it’s their fault.
Expect to be compensated up to $2.37 (dining dollars) for the close surveillance of your little miracle of life. If this sounds like something you want to endure, apply at www.beasurrogateforaronnydclone.com.