$42.00 for a campus-sponsored event?! Why is that shit full-priced? Your $42 can go a hell of a lot further than getting stomped to death in a crowd of sweaty people and listening to Steve Aoki’s ‘music.’ You could even be spending up to $100 on a second-hand ticket…. Stop this nonsense!

Here are 20 things you could buy instead:

• 1. An eighth of weed ($35-40)
  2. The answers to your next exam ($25.00, from the kid who sits behind you)
  3. A life-sized cardboard cutout of a brown bear ($39.99)
     https://www.amazon.com/Brown-Bear-Advanced-Graphics-Cardboard/dp/B00B03DT0O/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1488939069&sr=8-1&keywords=cardboard+cutout+bear  
  4. An Amtrak train ticket from here to Newark…Delaware ($36.00, a steal)
  5. Visiting the Baltimore Streetcar Museum on FOUR SEPARATE OCCASIONS ($10 a visit, I know!)
     http://www.baltimorestreetcar.org/  
  6. An emotionless handjob (priceless/it costs tears if anything)
  7. Perhaps about 10 jars of mustard (How much could a jar of mustard cost? $4?)
  8. 4,500 lady bugs, alive ($27)
     https://www.amazon.com/500-Live-Ladybugs-Guaranteed-Delivery/dp/B00I0DOKNW  
  9. 1 gallon of elephant crap sent to your enemy’s door ($36.90)
     http://www.poopsenders.com/order/  
  10. 24 minutes of a stripper’s definitely-divided attention ($40, assuming s/he charges $100/hr)
  11. Solid 2-month supply of heroin (so affordable…)
  12. A group of five actual human ribs ($39)
      http://www.skullsunlimited.com/record_variant.php?id=5917  
  13. 1 meal at Honeygrow (is it made of gold???)
  14. 2 minutes of living in Village Lofts (worth it)
  15. Spending an evening without the presence of Steve Aoki (FREE, can you believe it?)
  16. A flight from Vegas to Long Beach, CA ($39 if you book ahead!)
  17. Kim Jong Un bobblehead ($19.95)
      https://www.amazon.com/Jong-North-Korea-Bobblehead-Collectors/dp/B008S16VGU  
  18. 2 zebra-tailed lizards, can you believe that? ($14.99 each)
      http://www.backwaterreptiles.com/other-lizards/zebra-tailed-lizard-for-sale.html  
  19. 32 ounces of lube ($40.24)
      https://www.amazon.com/STR8CAM-Lube-Hybrid-64oz-Gallon/dp/B00KH9QSPK 
  20. $20.17- your senior class gift!! Because the billions of dollars the school already has isn’t nearly enough!!!! They can’t even afford to subsidize Spring Fair tickets anymore!!!