Students Unaware FFC Staff Hates Them

Wide-eyed freshman Annabeth Booker reports stellar reviews of the Fresh Food Cafe.  After a brief wait in the line, that stretched down the Freshman Quad, Sarah was met by a jovial Ms. Gladys, who reminded her to “swipe your goddamned card” after forgetting to do so.

“I was really surprised at the healthy quality of all the food.  They serve the pinkest grilled chicken every day, and even keep us safe by not keeping any knives on the premises,” Sarah remarks. “Except that one they wave at you when you puke in the yogurt.”

Other freshmen are having similarly positive experiences at the FFC.  Peter O’Brien reports that he feels loved when “the FFC staff kindly pushes me to the ground when I’m standing in their way. It reminds me of high school…good times.”  

Lucy Kim comments that she has made several inside jokes with the staff.  “They always scream at me that I have to use the tongs and get a new plate when I want seconds. They have the coolest sense of humor — we even have nicknames: mine is ‘that skinny bitch by the juice.’”

Jewish undergraduate Jacob Bergstein added that he loves the special bond he feels with the Kosher section. “It’s great that the section is separate but equal, like Baltimore public schools! It’s an equal opportunity cafeteria — even kosher-friendly students can experience the magic that is eating at the FFC.”

The BNBJ watched one FFC worker for his entire shift and discovered he cleaned no less than 10 spilled cups of coffee, dealt with at least 7 brats wearing Vineyard Vines and chubbies, and pulled at least 23 plates out of the garbage. When asked how his day was going, he replied, “You know, I can deal with the spilled milk, the wasted teenagers, and the ceaseless list of complaints, but so help me God, if they don’t move their fucking backpacks out of the aisles, I will literally die in this room. If I trip one more fucking time, it may very well be my last supper.”

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