In response to UChicago’s soft-core condemnation of PC police’s “safe spaces,” Hopkins has removed a majority of the safety precautions around campus. The school has also added some new innovative features to push students out of their usual comfort zones.

The first things that had to go were the safe spaces.  But, Hopkins admins took it one step further by adding “Trigger Zones” in which students can fully experience the horrifying and disturbing real world of which they will soon be a part. The soon-to-be-enlightened students enter the zone to find the walls lined with failed chem exams, old rejection letters from all the Ivies (except Cornell), and, worst of all, everyone’s first IFP poem.  The space is stocked with volunteer student “triggerers” who whisper eerily reminiscent phrases like, “You’re not my son!” and “No one wants to sit with you at lunch, Sally.”

Hopkins President Ron Daniels was very adamant about removing certain physical features from campus that unnecessarily coddle students. “First thing to go is the rails off the stairs,” he said. “Can’t walk up the stairs without falling off? You should probably get off them.” Next, Daniels removed all the fire alarms from campus buildings. “If there’s a fire, and you get stuck inside, are you even smart enough to deserve to be saved? I mean, the building’s on fire, get out, you idiot.” Not wanting to entirely abandon the students, Daniels did have signs put up announcing, “There could be fires here at any time, so, watch out.”

“Now, every college has the blue light system,” Daniels announced, “but we’re Johns Goddamns Hopkins, so we got rid of them. The big world out there isn’t protected by a ring of yellow-clad segway-mounted security officers ready to help you at a moment’s notice. It’s a cold, empty, murderous world, and that should be reflected on our campus.”

Campus security’s only task is now to teach students to defend themselves, because the real world has no law enforcement. Of course, Hopkins Security Alerts will be stopped immediately, as students do not need to be told where dangerous events have taken place — they should just figure it out for themselves. If a student is lost to the streets, a 21-gun salute will be fired across N. Charles for him or her. The online course for how to deal with an active shooter has been replaced with a website that simply states: “You’re fucked.”

Daniels went on. “No more financial aid — do you think the real world has subsidies?” He suggested a number of part-time jobs students could take up to pay their tuitions. “First of all, there’s the oldest job in the book: prostitution. And of course, the second oldest job in the book: pimping.” He offered the UTL as a great place to make and sell meth.

There will be no changes to the Health and Wellness Center or the Advising Services. 

Ultimately, Daniels thinks the Hopkins he envisions still coddles the students too much and has opted to remove all the roofs from student housing in the coming weeks. “We say we don’t want to shelter these kids, and what are we doing? Giving them goddamn shelter! Well, no more. No more shelter.”