Dear Hunter Holden Malone IV,

We at The Johns Hopkins University would like to welcome you to the lacrosse team for your astonishing athletic abilities, your… average GPA, and because the school has a building named after your grandpa. You are cordially invited to the Cordish Lacrosse Center for the next tri-weekly gala.

Please note the dress code:

• Sweatpants tucked into Nike socks.
• Timberlands.
• A Hopkins sweatshirt.
• Wavy gentleman’s cut of minimum 5 inch length (Please see the hairdressers in the salon on the fourth sub-basement of the Cordish Lacrosse Center if your hair does not meet these standards).

Please bring appropriate bathing attire (a second pair of sweatpants) if you wish to swim down the artificial river of Miller High Life, bathe in the caviar pool, or get a massage from one of our trainers, all on sub-basement twelve.

Don’t forget to meet the professors of economics, your inevitable major, who will be in attendance. They are eager to see you fall asleep in their lectures for the next four years and are willing to negotiate bribes (as an object lesson in supply and demand, of course).

Please remember to tip the valet once he parks your scooter.

Respectfully yours,

The Lax Team, bruh