Local Drug Dealers Now Accepting J-Cash

Yesterday, the Partnership of Undergraduate Recreational Peddlers (PURP), a coalition of campus drug dealers, announced that they will now accept J-Cash for all transactions. Many local businesses accept the Johns Hopkins regulated debit system J-Cash, facilitating students in purchasing food and beverages, and now also uppers and downers.

The announcement has been controversial. Said sophomore Rita Newman, “I’m really in favor of this change. I only really spend my money on Chipotle, Uni Mini, and Xanax, so it’s nice to have them all in the same payment system,” An anonymous local weed dealer expressed his support as well, stating it “would make taking money from dumb rich white kids even easier.”

Others have been critical of this change. “Call me a traditionalist, but you can’t snort cocaine out of a rolled up bill of J-Cash,” said junior Jessica Bates. Freshman Nick Hornsburg was dismissive as well. “I won’t care until I can get pot brownies with dining dollars.” Said reclusive chemistry grad student Will Walters, “I, personally, won’t be satisfied until the chemistry department accepts my request to run a full time meth lab out of the UTLs.”

Other local business owners are thinking of accepting J-Cash as well. Local strip club owner Mickey Anderson recently purchased a card reader and announced his club will be accepting J-Cash. “You can’t make it rain J-Cash, but I’m just trying to provide a service to these kids,” he said, wiping a tear from his eye. “They just get so stressed out.”

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