Hopkins Draws the Line on Cocaine

Following an anonymous expose of drug culture at Hopkins published in the News-Letter, the administration has decided to crack down on cocaine use on campus. Bill White, head of the recently formed anti-cocaine committee C.R.A.C. (Campus Response Against Cocaine) addressed the issue saying, “There’s been a lot of buzz going on about cocaine use on campus, but we’re going to blow that all away. We’re going to leave coke dealers crying and sniffling.”

When asked what he planned to do about cocaine abuse on campus, White stated, “Simple, with the help of the HopCops I will perform raids on suspected drug dens: frat houses, the Guilford, etc. Then I will personally impound the contraband; I have been entrusted with all this powder, I mean power, and I won’t let it go to waste.”

“Cocaine is an epidemic on campus, and I fully intend sniff out the source of it all with my own nose,” White continued. “Some might ask, ‘How can one man handle so much cocaine?’ That’s a fair question. But they don’t understand the rush I get from finding it.” He added, “Someone’s got to take care of the cocaine that’s been under our noses this whole time.”

Responding to concerns that the HopCops don’t have the requisite training to handle cocaine, White said confidently, “They’ve got the white, that is, the right stuff.”


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