Senior Tracks Down Advisor After Four Years

Senior History major Georgia Frank was on a mission. She needed to find her advisor, not because she had to get him to lift a hold on her ISIS account or sign a form so she could graduate on time, but because she had never met him.

When asked about her recent interest in finding the man who is in charge of whether or not she can graduate, she said, “I can’t believe he has missed my entire college career. I’m worried about him. He’s like, never here. I don’t think he even lives in the mid-Atlantic region.”

She continued, “Also, I was recently made aware of something I gotta talk to him about. Senior clearance I think? Is that a thing?”

When told it was actually junior clearance that was a thing, Frank exclaimed, “Shit. Anyways. I just need closure, you know? I need to meet David Wallace. Or is it Walters? SENIOR SPRING.”

Observers say that Frank left PJ’s at around 4 PM on Tuesday, where she kept muttering that she was “super nervous” to meet her advisor and that she was also “such a SWUG,” or (“senior washed up girl”).

When she got to the History hallway in Gilman, she took a shot out of a flask that bore the phrase, “Keep Calm and Get Fired Up.” She then stepped into Walters’ office.

“‘Sup.” She said, as the door closed.  After an hour, witnesses say that Frank stumbled out of the room. Her skin had turned a different shade of pale and her eyes were unfocused.

Frank was last seen stumbling down the hallway shouting “Hopkins 2017!”

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