Joining a centuries-old tradition of state symbols, the beloved Chesapeake Bay has been named Maryland’s official state biohazard. The announcement was made earlier this week, in a large ceremony held outside Governor Martin O’Malley’s house. Said the statesman,
“We’ve all known for years that the Chesapeake was our state’s favorite cesspool, but the time has come for us to make it official.”
The day’s events were tailored to fit the Chesapeake theme, from rancid water being sold by the bottle, to false trash cans that dumped directly into the bay itself. Adding to the excitement of the ceremony was a leak from earlier this morning of plans to commemorate the event by commissioning a 15′ x 15′ oil painting of the Bay to be displayed in the Capitol building.
“One of the planet’s first marine dead zones – entirely incapable of supporting life in certain sections – will finally be highlighted in the heart of Maryland,” said a spokesman at the party. “Now if you excuse me, these themed manure-pies are really running right through me.”
Also to be present in the painting are various other icons from the pantheon of state symbols, from the oriole – our state bird, to the blue crab – our state crustacean, to the fan-favorite milk – our state beverage. There has been a small outcry about the usage of state funds for such a purpose, but officials remain undisturbed. Said O’Malley in closing,
“What’s important here is that we’re excited about this inclusion, one that allows the Chesapeake to get the respect it deserves, along with the other famed mid-Atlantic biohazards like 3 Mile Island. Plus, if we get tired of it, we just dump the painting into the Bay too! Everyone wins.”
The state’s unofficial biohazard remains, of course, Washington, DC.