Skeletal black legs, spotted ashy wings, beady orange eyes. They require no introduction – the spotted lanternflies are here in Baltimore, and they have hardly obscured their presence. In fact, it’s hard to not see one or two every time you step outside on campus, their dark bodies camouflaged by the tree, fencepost, or building they chose to rest upon. 

I’m also sure you’ve heard that this cousin of the cicada is a pest – an invasive species, tearing through our ecosystem with no natural predators – to be eliminated on sight. But I am here before you today to try to change that narrative – to show you the other side, and to persuade you that the lanternfly is not your enemy. 

I am the Blorax. I speak for the fleas. 

And I am writing this to convince, nay, impel you to end the unjust war that has been laid against the humble lanternfly.

I have spent my life traveling the world, defending the undefended, fighting for those who have no voice because they cannot speak.

The world’s ecosystem is built on insects – the unsung labor of trillions of industrious bees, ants, fleas, and mites. Arthropods alone account for 42% of all animal biomass on the planet – 6 times more than all mammals combined. And yet, their contributions are always swept under the rug, ignored in favor of glorifying another group – one which has quietly been undermining our mission for millions of years. This group, as you may have guessed, is the trees.

The trees present themselves as quiet, gentle pacifists – but this could not be further from the truth. Trees, whose cumulative biomass is a thousand times greater than that of insects, have positioned themselves as the victim in nearly every cross species conflict in which they have been involved. Despite their vast size and diversity of defense mechanisms (many of which involve literal chemical warfare [see image below]), through incessant propaganda they have managed to convince you that the lanternfly is evil and actually killing the trees that they depend upon. 

Let’s take a moment to examine the ridiculous claims made by Big Tree. They say that the action of lanternflies feeding on tree sap somehow “stresses the tree out” and makes it more vulnerable to diseases. They also say that lanternflies secrete a substance by the name of “honeydew” which promotes the growth of mold which in turn restricts photosynthesis of the tree. 

These claims are absurdly easy to disprove with a little common sense. Think about it – how could a tiny, two gram bug sipping on tree sap cause damage to a tree weighing thousands of pounds? Furthermore, how in the world can a little mold on the bark of a tree interrupt the process of photosynthesis? Obviously photosynthesis happens in the leaves of the tree – do these guys think we’re stupid? Also, honeydew sounds delicious, so I don’t know why anyone is complaining.

My word limit is almost up, but before I go I want to leave you with a few closing thoughts. Though I have spoken out against the claims made by the trees, I do not personally harbor any animosity towards their kind. I believe the best outcome here is one of harmony – where trees permit lanternflies to keep feeding, without fear of retribution. I do ask all of you, however, to end this violence that has been wrought against the lanternflies. Just like you, they are simply trying to make it in our world. So the next time you go to squish one of these beautiful creatures – picture yourself in their shoes.

Picture a life where you have a single year to live, grow, and die – and then picture it being cut short by a careless behemoth a million times your size.

Picture this lanternfly’s family – distraught by the death of their child, parent, or grandparent.

And picture the trees around you – silently gloating, celebrating another victory, another step taken on their unobstructed path to world domination. 

So make the right choice – contact your local representative, tell your friends, watch your step. Together, we can Stop The Squish.
Thank you for reading.