Now that Women’s History Month has ended, many Hopkins students have begun to wonder what the university will do to continue to uplift its female students. However, our dedicated admin does not plan to let us down. Yesterday, after a long weekend of watching Zootopia and looking at Lola Bunny fan art, President Ronald Daniels announced that JHU will be continuing its support for women’s empowerment by introducing a new addition to the mascot team. Get ready for Jay’s new sister: Jayzebelle.

Jayzebelle was created to show female students that mascots can be girls too, even though they’re usually supposed to be cool and athletic. The birdette has long blonde tresses that cascade down her back, bright green orbs that sparkle in the sun, and massive tits a nice womanly figure. Her face is adorned with sparkling pink eyeshadow and red lipstick, and she carries three shopping bags on each wing (you know, cause women be shopping). As she tramps across campus, she tosses treats to femme presenting students on campus, including tampons, Glossier lip glosses, and copies of Gillian Flynn’s hit novel Gone Girl. Additionally, Jayzebelle makes 80 cents on the dollar, making her a relatable and realistic image of the struggles of womanhood. Overall a win for representation!

To investigate how Jayzebelle’s debut is being received by students, our reporters took to the field and asked students for their thoughts.

“I think Jayzebelle is a great inspiration to women across campus,” responded philosophy major Ryan Straitman when asked for his opinion on Jayzebelle. “She represents the proud expression of femininity and sexual freedom.” When asked to elaborate on the ‘sexual freedom’ piece of his comment, Straitman spoke for approximately ten minutes about her “smokin’ rack”.

Mechanical engineering major Chad Everhorny agreed, simply stating “Smash.”

However, some people seem to have mixed feelings toward this rockin’ chick. 

“Is this supposed to make me feel empowered?” asked neuroscience major Amy Dunning. “This mascot is just an amalgamation of stereotypes about women. If the school really wanted to help women they’d address the rampant sexism among students and professors and improve resources for female students facing things like discrimination and assault.”

To get an additional perspective on the matter, we had an exclusive interview with Jayzebelle herself, who is actually played by some guy named Brandon. 

“I never knew what it was like to be a woman, but my perspective has really changed. I mean, I’ve never gotten so much male attention, and usually my boys are the only ones that smack my ass when I’m walking around campus. I think I also have a newfound appreciation for massive honkers. Like I knew they made my dick hard, but I didn’t realize how hard they were on your back. Really makes you think.”