Between the annual custom mugs and Ronny G-Strings, it’s no secret that the yearly LOTQ merch drop is nothing short of legendary. But with the high attendance numbers, it can be hard to secure those goodies without standing in the cold for 2 hours. Fortunately, we’re here to give you noobs the scoop on how to make the most of this godforsaken institution’s only joyful student event of the year. Get ready to grab all the merch you can hold, with our patented Triple D™  formula.

Distract! 

An easy way to avoid the crowd is through the sweet and sexy art of deception. Here are some ideas.

• Paint a decoy blue jay plushie stand on the side of Mergenthaler and get people to line up in front of it while you get the actual stuff (see below)

• Start your own booth and give out free sunglasses. They might make your competition look cool, but you’ll be able to grab all the free stuff while all those losers are stumbling around in the dark.
• Break into the Gilman clock tower and change the time so you’re the only one who knows when the booths open (caution: may backfire in another postponement) 

Disperse!

Eliminate the competition. Clear that quad like it’s a 9am lecture. 

• Start distributing pamphlets about our lord and savior Jesus Christ. You’ll be avoided like the ten plagues. 
• Yell “FIRE” as loud as you can. Some ideas to really sell it include shouting into the microphone during a student performance or setting an actual fire on the least interesting tent to speed up the evacuation while sparing the good stuff.
• Convince admin to get a couple acapella groups to perform at the event. Easiest way to disperse a crowd.

Dominate!

The effectiveness of this section is debatable, but either way you’ll look cool as shit.

• Assemble a guerilla lighting squad and replace all the boring non-secular christmas lights with these nondenominational bad boys.

• Put laxatives in the free food. If frats can drug people without consequences, you can too!
• Eat as many of the holiday lights as you can. You’ll be the highlight of the evening, plus it’ll get you feeling all warm and fuzzy inside 🙂
• Wear a T-shirt and basketball shorts in the cold. You’ll easily overtake the line while people are busy tripping over all the panties that just dropped from how cool and unseasonably dressed you are.

With these tips, go forth and get the most out of your too-high tuition. If you decide to be a sheep and wait in line like everyone else, just remember to send someone to the front of the line to check what you’re waiting for so you don’t wait 40 minutes for a button machine that only makes premade life design buttons. Not that that’s ever happened.