The news is scary. Misinformation is rampant. We at the Black and Blue Jay have heard your concerns and are here to take you into our arms and tell you everything’s gonna be okay. In the meantime, here’s a list of 100% fact-checked “conspiracy theories” that everyone will agree with when you share them at the next AMR II cocktail party. Bone apple teet.

The Elves Beneath the Manholes.

Ever wondered about that mysterious steam coming out of the manholes on campus? The shocking truth is that the smoke has been coming from a gang of local Baltimore sewer elves, who have been continuously smoking that good pack for the past few years. Some say that if they think you can hang, they’ll invite you down and bestow you with the finest herbs this side of Charles Street. If not, you may still be lucky enough to get a good deal on that mid shit. 

Ronny D is Just a Kid in a Trench Coat.* 

Our university president is hiding something, and it’s not just the sex dungeon. Legend has it, a really stressed postdoc once left a baby in a box on campus (they had a research paper deadline to meet and the child’s crying was distracting and inconsiderate). The child was raised by the steam tunnel rats and swore one day he’d reign over the campus that kept him in the shadows. Once he was big enough to fit into a trench coat and strong enough to fight a grown man, nothing could stop him. This may explain President Daniels’s musty odor, feral tendencies, and lust for raw meat.

The Construction Has Been Done. 

You may be wondering why Hopkins keeps pushing back the estimated finish of the Student Center construction, but the truth of the matter may be far less sinister than you’d expect. According to a reliable anonymous source, the construction actually finished at the end of 2022. Once complete, however, the workers realized that they were in fact guys with power tools, and they were subsequently compelled to be dudes. Since then, they have been jumping on the jackhammers like pogo sticks (jacking off, if you will) and taking turns spinning the crane because, come on, who wouldn’t?

The Krieger Owl Experiment. 

PETA has made us all aware of the “innocent” owls on campus that have been subject to scientific testing, but it seems that the rabbit (owl?) hole is goes deeper than they thought. Until 2018, humans were the ones subjecting the owls to tests that were only slightly less painful than the average orgo midterm. However, the turns tabled one fateful night, when the owls fought back against their nerdy overlords. Now, it’s the birds that do the testing, and the people are the ones under the microscope, literally and metaphorically. We hear they have a paper coming out soon about how trauma affects the brains of aves and the value that revenge can bring to recovery.

The Gilman Clocktower Could Erupt at Any Moment. 

Last semester, the clocktower atop Gilman Hall ceased its slightly off-time ringing and went dormant. However, it has not dinged its last dong. Scientists say that the bell has become a ticking time bomb that could go off at any moment, compensating for months of lost time with one grand ring. They predict that the subsequent explosion of sound will be loud enough to crumble buildings and will cause anyone in a 4 mile radius to develop permanent hearing loss. Some claim that even LEED would be able to hear a notification for once.

*Note: We originally thought there were two kids in the trench coat, but Ronald isn’t tall enough for that.