Most of us have heard about the Chinese spy balloon that was tragically shot down a few weeks ago. Thankfully, though, South Carolina wasn’t the balloon’s final destination. In exchange for two girls’ numbers and a free month of Discord Nitro, the AstroJays agreed to help us fix up the balloon and get her back in the air where she belongs. Here’s what we’ve seen on campus in the past week with The Black and Balloon Jay.

• A wheelchair user stranded in the middle of the breezeway after using the ramp
• Two people having a lovely evening in the BMA sculpture garden
• A broken condom in the BMA sculpture garden
• Three people having a lovely evening in the BMA sculpture garden
• A man with long wavy hair and glasses leaving Charmar with 3 jars of Tostitos nacho cheese dip and a lighter
• The rotting corpse of a deceased grad student in a hammock on Keyser Quad that has yet to be discovered
• A PETA activist smuggling an owl out of the basement of Krieger, unknowingly ripping him away from his owl wife
• The remorse on the owl husband’s face when he realizes he never deserved her anyways
• The owl husband lashing out at the PETA activist, despite knowing that he’s only projecting his self hatred onto them
• Owl denial
• Owl anger
• Owl bargaining
• Owl depression
• Owl acceptance
• Someone getting their hand cut off on the ice rink followed by a hoard of pre-meds having existential crises
• An owl eating a severed hand on the ice rink
• My groceries arriving while I write this article
• A freshman pre-med running crying out of Hodson after getting their first A- on an exam
• A senior pre-med pumping their fists in the air after getting a C+ on their exam
• A one-handed student crying by the ice rink

Yesterday, all transmissions from The Black and Balloon Jay ceased. Unfortunately, the AstroJays discovered that the phone numbers we gave them weren’t actually hot singles in their area and were instead a Kansas City Buffalo Wild Wings and (248) 434-5508 (call it no balls), leading them to trigger the Doofenshmirtz-inspired self-destruct button they installed in the balloon. We were absolutely deflated by the news. A service honoring The Black and Balloon Jay’s life will be held Tuesday at 6pm in Krieger 307. Bring your finest flannel and kind words about our fallen soldier.