Health Policy Forum: Fauci Gets Tied Up and Kinda Likes It

This week, Dr. Anthony Fauci participated in a Fireside Chat moderated by President Daniels, where he was scheduled to talk about the COVID-19 pandemic and reflect on his career.

He had no idea that he was walking into a witch trial.

Upon reaching the conference hall, Dr. Fauci was seized by two burly blue jay mascots and dragged to a pyre. President Daniels sat nearby, bible in one hand and handheld thermometer in the other.

After checking Fauci’s temperature and finding him to be “smoking hot,” Ronny D ordered Fauci to be restrained in fuzzy red handcuffs and secured to a pyre. As the burly blue jays tightened the straps, Fauci said “Don’t be shy. You can make them a little tighter ;)” 

President Daniels opened his bible to begin the proceedings. He read:

As for you, you whitewash with lies; worthless physicians are you all

Job 13:4

With this, Fauci’s witch trial began. He stood accused of practicing witchcraft, creating the coronavirus, and just really pulling off the color white. The testimonials began from the Hopkins students in the Zoom room. 

Freshman public health major Suzie Min raised her blue hand until Ronny D called on her. She turned on her video and chimed in: “I saw him on TV talking to the devil!”

Fauci interrupted — “You mean Trump?” 

Sophomore Brett Taylor told the court about Fauci seen last week exiting a Walgreens. Everyone reacted with the 👀 emoji. The burly blue jays ripped off Fauci’s lab coat to reveal a Hello Kitty band-aid on an oh so sculpted arm. Ronny D approached and slowly peeled off the bandaid. 

“It hurts so good!” cried Fauci. “Call me Big Tony,” pleaded all 5’7″ of him.

The camera zoomed in on Fauci’s arm to show a small spot of irritation — clearly the mark of a flu shot witch.

Another student added that Fauci was on the Quidditch team in college, making him the world’s biggest fucking nerd and biggest fucking witch.  

“He knows how to add fractions!” Screamed an angry neuro major.

“And you don’t?”

“I saw him boiling water in his cauldron!” exclaimed another.

“I boil water in a pot so that I can make things like pasta, rice, et cetera.”

“Et cetera?? That’s not English! He’s speaking in tongues!”

It wasn’t looking great for Dr. Fauci. But the fuzzy handcuffs weren’t nearly tight enough for Tony’s dainty wrists. He slipped out of them and made a break for it. He made it past the burly blue jays by spraying their eyes with a can of Lysol, conveniently hidden in his ass the whole time. 

We caught up with Dr. Fauci later that day outside a Wawa, where he told us about the experience.

“You know, that was still better than a Trump press conference. I don’t get to be tied up at those.”

As Fauci lit up a cigar, he dropped his lighter on the ground. As he bent down to pick it up, we saw a faded pentagram tattoo on his lower back.

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