Top 15 People Who Should Have Been This Year’s Commencement Speaker

With the announcement today that the Commencement speaker for the Class of 2015 will be Ed Catmull, President of Pixar Animation Studios and Walt Disney Animation Studios, people around campus have been reacting positively to the news. So, staff of The Black and Blue Jay, knowing that a good Commencement speaker plays a large part in making the millionish hours that graduation takes bearable, compiled a list of Commencement speakers who should have been chosen to make the speech, in addition to the contractually obligated Ron Daniels.

  1. Nelly – Since Hopkins is already focused on saving his career for some reason.
  2. Christopher Nolan (but only if Neil deGrasse Tyson is in the audience) – A famous director for the entertainment of the liberal arts students and a scientist to heckle the famous director whenever he gets something wrong, for the entertainment of the science majors.
  3. Jerry Seinfeld – But only if he squeezes the entire Class of 2015 into his car and buys them all coffee.
  4. Paul McCartney – If Kanye can give this newcomer a shot, so can Hopkins.
  5. Brian Williams – He’ll talk all about his time at Hopkins.  It won’t be true, but it will be a damn good story.
  6. Ms. Gladys – Because let’s show Ms. Gladys some love.
  7. Jon Stewart – Since he is also going on to “better” things.
  8. Amy Poehler – She knows what’s up with lofted beds in Wolman and McCoy.
  9. Natty Boh – So he can thank all of the graduates for allowing him to start a college fund for his daughter he had with the UTZ girl.
  10. Stephen Hawking – The closest that most of the engineering students will get to listening to a robot.
  11. Wayne Gretzky – Ron Daniel’s boyhood idol (probably).
  12. Mark Zuckerberg – He can reminisce about the time his dorm was clearly Latrobe.
  13. Bill Belichick – Because he’s friends with Coach Pietramala, he’s a world champion, and he generally looks about as happy on the sideline as the average Hopkins student during midterms.
  14. E.L. James – She’ll probably write some fan fic about last year’s Commencement address, change the names, and add some light bondage (and it will be a hit with all the middle-aged mothers in attendance).
  15. Ron Swanson – Don’t you mean Nick Offerman? Fuck you, I mean Ron Swanson.

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