In a shocking turn of events, Hopkins freshman Ethan Pereira confessed that for the first time since moving in, he took a shower. Pereira expressed his shame to reporters, “I did something I really am not proud of. Something I promised myself I wouldn’t do. Last night, I don’t know what came over me, but before I knew it I was drying off with a towel. I don’t remember much, but I know I must have done some pretty serious showering… I can’t believe I stooped so low!”
Reports indicate that Pereira’s 24-minute, hot-water shower, during which he “used so many hits of shampoo [he] couldn’t see straight– because it got in [his] eyes and stung” came about after going for a run with his roommate Derrick Lee.
Sources close to the situation say that after returning from their jog, Lee observed that Pereira, “smelled bad” and suggested he take a shower. Pereira resisted, saying, saying that he “didn’t need soap to feel good about himself.”
Lee, referencing the garlic bread Pereira had just eaten, then suggested he brush he teeth, to which Pereira replied, “Well, I guess it’s not actually bathing… are you sure I won’t get caught?”
Lee told reporters, “Ethan started messing around with a little paste, if you know what I mean, and then things just kinda escalated. He got into some floss, some Neutro [Neutrogena® Facial Scrub], and by then, man, you could just tell he was going to shower tonight. He had this crazy, really jarringly healthy look in his gums.”
Calling the bout of violent washing, rinsing, and repeating a moment of great weakness, Pereira said, “You know, coming to college, you’re aware that there is going to be a lot of pressure to bathe and just generally dive into the “hygiene scene,” – there’s a definite “lathering” culture at Hopkins in particular – but I was really surprised at myself. You hear stories about kids who were really solidly filthy in high school getting to college and starting to bathe. Hard. And not just on weekends! I guess I always thought I would rise above…”
In addition to his experimentation with showering, Pereira is reported to have also gone on an organizing binge, making his previously disheveled bed, sorting papers that were strewn across his desk, and removing the piles of garbage that had completely covered his floor. When asked about his whirlwind of late-night tidying, Pereira, between choked sobs, requested it never be spoken of again.
Pereira did say, however, that this incident has only strengthened his resolve to not change his shirt, which he has been wearing since 11th grade.