Now that we’re a month into the semester, students have settled into campus and are in need of some dorm essentials. The freshmen are tired of licking Campbell’s Tomato Soup off the floor, and they’re demanding culinary respite. For once in its career in undergraduate education, Hopkins has listened to the needs of its students. That’s why Hopkins Dining is introducing a new deal to help students stock their kitchens. For the next two weeks, anything you see in Hopkins Cafe, Nolans, or Levering Cafe is free with just one meal swipe! Say goodbye to paying for forks, knives, bowls, plates, frying pans, waffle makers, wet floor signs, chairs, decorative fruit bowls, television monitors, and more!

Like any good deal, there are a few stipulations. According to “the law”, these materials are only free if you don’t get caught. However, we’ve included a few tips to help you get started.

• Start small. Anything that fits easily in your backpack or prison pocket is fair game!
• Exit with confidence. That was your plate. You brought it from home.
• Cause a diversion! Pull the fire alarm.
• Work on your cardio. Anything is free if you can run faster than security. Plus, heart health is essential to a long and happy life!

To take full advantage of this deal, we recommend bringing your own materials, such as screwdrivers, crowbars, wheelbarrows, and a very deep tote bag. These things can also be found for free at the soon-to-be Hopkins Student Center.*

*The Black and Blue Jay does not endorse theft. If you are taking recommendations from a university’s satirical newspaper, that’s on you. Additionally, if you have been experiencing an erection lasting for more than four hours, please stop reading this and consult your primary care physician.