Baltimore, MD – Tensions are rising as local JHU students are finding it increasingly difficult to give away their concert tickets in public GroupMe message channels. We identified one such student, who expressed shock that nobody wanted their free Noah Kahan tickets, despite prime seating location and aforementioned gratis pricing. We interviewed the student (who insisted on anonymity) about their lack of mercantile success in the Hopkins group chat environment. 

“It’s like no one even wants free stuff anymore, ” said the student, evidently mourning the cultural loss among the Hopkins student body. “I really thought that Young’s General Chemistry Initiative students would eat it up (who doesn’t love SZA and Noah Kahan)? But instead, they deleted my message and kicked me out of the GroupMe!”

The student has since been forced to resort to impersonating other trusted students in the GroupMe – “Maybe if I use someone else’s name and identity, people will believe me?” Though proving to be a more successful tactic, the student has continued to encounter animosity in response to their generosity.

The student also discussed their meeting with fellow philanthropist Carl Franks, who is in possession of a large inheritance from a Jhon Hopkin Professor. The student commiserated with Mr. Franks, who similarly struggled to give away expensive items including pianos, IPads, and TVs. “If he couldn’t do it, what chance do I have?”

Shortly after the interview, the student was seen drafting a text to ja-hoo free stuff to advertise their tickets.