Last week, the prestigious Johns Hopkins University announced its speaker for the Class of 2024’s commencement. After being robbed of their high school graduations and first real year of college, the seniors were hopeful for a commencement speaker as show stopping as Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelenskyy was last year. However, to almost everyone’s dismay, Hopkins has chosen to enlist none other than the infamous Mitt Romney.

In case you aren’t familiar with him, Mitt Romney is known across the US for a variety of accomplishments. He was the 70th governor of Massachusetts and currently holds a position as a senator of Utah. He ran and lost as the Republican nominee in the 2012 presidential election, endorsed by the National Rifle Association, the National Organization for Marriage, and the fertilizer company Miracle-Gro. He strapped his pet dog Seamus to the roof of his car for a 12 hour road trip. With such a stellar record of achievements, it’s no wonder admin thought its student body would be more excited to hear a speech from everyone’s second favorite Mormon (the first of course being Brandon Flowers, lead singer of The Killers).

“WashU gets Jennifer Coolidge and we get him? He doesn’t even serve!” said writing seminars undergraduate Bella Forks when asked for her opinion.

“I’d rather they just have Bloomberg do it for a third time,” agreed another student.

Not everyone seems up in arms over the decision, though. Political science major Jacob Edwards stated his hope that Romney will bring unity to the campus. “I think he’s a great emblem of bipartisanship. Whether you’re on the left or the right, no one seems to like that guy.”

According to some rumors, letters are already being drafted to appeal to admin, in hopes that they will change their decision and find a different commencement speaker for the ever-neglected “COVID class”. To help with this effort, here is a list of speakers that we think would be better options than Mitt Romney:

• Ritt Momney, the Utah-based indie pop musician
• Three kids in a trench coat
• The Paul Brothers: Logan, Jake, and Ru
• The Unknown from the iconic “Willy’s Chocolate Experience” in Glasgow
• My buddy Eric
• A mime
• Jojo Siwa
• Your Tinder match that wouldn’t stop talking about his tech startup
• Jared Leto as the Joker
• Jared Leto as Morbius
• Your aunt that revealed you were adopted after one too many mimosas
• Chris Pratt
• A crisp rat
• The guy that edited out all the buttholes for the Cats movie
• Meek Mill but three hours late again

If you have any more suggestions, please send them to us at president@jhu.edu.