Senior Lecturer Pearlman Discovers Possible New Lifeform in Steam Tunnels

Johns Hopkins Biology Professor Rebecca Pearlman has recently discovered a possible new species in the steam tunnels, perhaps overturning every piece of knowledge man has ever attained.  She describes the organisms as “large adolescent shelled reptiles, who seemed to have been raised by a large rodent.”

After reports of a pepperoni smell wafting through the vents of Maryland, maintenance staff wandered into the steam tunnels to find the turtles’ filthy lair.  They immediately called Professor Pearlman, who rushed to the scene.  “What was most shocking about their environment is that they seem to have survived years on only pizza,” commented Pearlman.  She named them Leonardo, Michelangelo, Donatello, and Bloomberg.

After climbing over hockey, skateboarding, and video gaming equipment, Pearlman noticed strange Renaissance-esque drawings on the wall.  This being out of her area of expertise, she called Art History Professor Pier Luigi Tucci to the scene.  “It appears from these paintings that the turtles began their lives in a bio lab, but were let loose.  While traveling under the UTL, the reptiles were caught in a chemical drip from intro chem lab students pouring materials down the drain.  This immediately mutated the creatures’ body structure and gave them superior intellectual and martial arts capabilities.”

Several Film and Media Studies students have proposed filming the new species.  “With their green bodies and surprising ninja skillz, these bad-ass turtles could prove to be the biggest CGI/animation hit in movie history,” said senior Paul Johnson.

In other news, Pearlman may have also discovered another remarkable species, called “undergraduates,” on campus. This unconfirmed revelation would majorly alter the future of  Hopkins academia.

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